umm abaaaa?!

ummm abaaaa? i havent posted on this shiiiiit in foreva! i thought it would be necessary!

well life is pretty darn good at the moment. i've pretty much mastered driving stick! it only took me like what... 2 years? ha!

classes are amazing! i only have theatre and dance classes this semister and am loving every minute of it...except when i dont wanna go to dance...

i fractured my tailbone... worst pain i've felt in my life... well maybe my teeth being knocked out hurt but still! so now i get to wait and pump myself full of aleve and try and not fall again lol

i love my friends! i love how life is going right now! i just love... in general

so i realized something, all these boys keep saying "why arent you taken?! you're so hot!" and all i can think of is the guy from dirty love saying "you're so hoooooottttttt!" which makes me think hmmm why dont i? and then i realize i'm a gemini and am cursed to never be satisfyed till someone comes and sweeps me off my cute wide little feet!

so boys... i'm waiting...sweep away bitches... sweep away!!!


quote of the night: "i'm having a shit-tastical night!" some girl said that at the club and i laughed and shook my head thinking, "drama, drama, drama,,,"

i love ty, and mel, and keith! i'm so glad i'm living with them next year!

it also helps mel has WII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg it's so much fun. i'm addicted.


i think i have tenis elbow from virtual reality tennis... i'm pathetic and i love it!

well comment and make me happy i'll comment back!

Letter To A Trick

dear trick,

i met you tonight. now i have some comments. you are cute in your own way. i had a good time for the most part. dont tell a boy you're interested in that you are on probation. when you see a cop dont freak and say if you get pulled over you go to jail. you smell kinda like texas roadhouse steak sauce. you taste like it too. --awkward-- NEVER, i repeat, NEVER use you're teeth. the harder your squeeze the more it hurts, not feel better. you make me nervous. when you say "picture me f***ing you" and i have to picture someone else that's a bad sign. i wasnt that impressed. i dont really want to see you again. thank god you live in WY.

sincerly,
M@ty

p.s. you have an over bite... a bad one.

i hate blogs... they hurt more then words sometime.

i havent been on this bitch in a long ass time. if i can remember i will post more. i'm currently stoned and have quite missed the feelings. i am currently stoned for the wrong reasons but i dont want to be aware of things currently. it pisses me off that when you tell a boy that you care deeply for them, they of course reply with the same but with some legalities; he's not ready. i am no longer giving up my strong hold in something. i told him i would wait. that was not wise. but when i say waiting, in my mind it means "i'll wait for you to be ready to be with me." not exactly, "i'll wait for you to be ready to be with me... so in th mean time i'll deal with you slutting around." that kinda fucks things up a little bit if you ask me. i just dont want to do what i did last time. i cant handle it. i hate it when the one person you dont want to believe is the one person you should have.

The Lead Shovel

I fell dirty
the feel torn apart
the first was love
but only pretense sprouted

the second was casual
which i thought i would
Never
Be
A
Part
Of
.
.
.


I dig my
own Grave
and the
Lead Shovel
gets heavier
with each
ounce of dirt
with each Body
i Dig up.

i'm Becoming who I
never thought i would
Hypocrisy courses through
my body
and the Taste and Stench
of Vomit is
remaining on my tongue

i feel used.
i want Love
but i won't
Let It In.

beads of Sweat
trickle down my
Guilty Face.

So Lock me up
i'll take my
Punishment.

just Take this
Lead Shovel
and hold me
to My promise.

--------------------------

NO more dirt,
NO more bodies,

...love...

let Love surround me
on it's
Crimson Velvet Wings...

ode to johnny

"ohhhh johnny depp! why do you have to be so hott... even when you're eating people'se faces... oh oh oh johnny depp..""johnny depp is teh hottest alien i've ever seen"just a few quotes from miranda and i's evening

you make me nervous nervous

the past couple days have been a blur---they have been amazing.

i have been hanging out repeatedly with hot photo matt and HPM is nothing short of amazing
i may not have known him to longest and i may not know everything about him


---but what i do know i like. i like a lot---


you know when you find something different... something you've never really come into
contact with before? and you can't help but want to know everything about it?

that's what i feel---that's what i want


i've gotten drunk twice in two days---i've never done that before and it was nothign short of fantastic---

i spent my entire night in HPM's arms---i couldnt have pictured a better person/face/body to wake up to---

i'm completely infatuated---


you do make me nervous-nervous--- i dont know if i trust myself with you---


---i like it---

le disko

soooooooo... after much stumbling through myspaces and friends of friends of friends of friends profiles i found an amazing band. shiny toy guns.

i <3 them! and the song one song is called le disko... the whole le in front of that...

-swoon-

i have gotten in the habit of saying le before anything before i even heard this song so it makes me happy! :-D

le giddy! teehee

there is an overweight lady on tv wearing far far far too tight of pants and a polo shirt... FOR SHAME!

i was called a shallow bitch the other day... then i thought about it... and really... i am

emily and tyler tried to call me selfish... HA i just kinda laughed it off cause umm... who are they to call me selfish?

lyris had seen emily in a week and wanted to hang out last night and ty was pissed cause she ruined his plans but still ended up hanging out with her all day liek he had the day before and the day before that and oh yea the entire month before that! and lyris didnt even get to see em

he confuses me... he doesnt realize that he's in a lot of this stuff... for tyler... bleh

mmm scissor sister make me happy...

CAUSE YOU'RE FILTHY! FILLTHYYY ANNNND GORGEOUS! GOOOORGEOUS!


le happy to the max


P.S. i'm going to water world today... and excitement courses through my viens... i just wish a certain person would go... LE GLARE! hehe

children of the sun...

i havent felt this way in years... i didnt know what is was... i really did i was distraught and confused... but when i stepped back and really looked at everything i realised this pit of anguish is the glorious tunnel of depression!!! oh how i missed it

i broke his heart

i've never done that before-- i'm always the one get stepped on, used and throw up like christina ricci's last meal. but that wasnt the case i couldnt let in the one kid that loved me completley and utterly. i fucked up the only thing i wanted. but you can't force love--

right?

my occasional habbit of smoking has progressed to a daily habit.. bleh but i dont want to stop. i like the way i look when i do it.. i like the way i feel

my parents are worried and wonder what is wrong. maybe the fact that my mom's password to the interent is "prayformatty3" that always a comfort.

i went for a walk today it was so needed i loved it. my parents were nervous.
i found the spot i went on my search for. i layed on the cement divide between water and land. the stars looked so beautiful and orignal. it was like it was the first time i saw them like that.. partially cause it was

i looked over to my house and see the bright orange cherry of my dad's cigar bounce along to road as he searchs for me. i liked being able to see him but not doing a thing about it.

i finish the last drag of my 3rd cigarette in less then an hour and watch the red hot addiction hit the water and be carried away with the force the man-made waterfall carries.

my dad walks up teh drive way and gets into the car the search for me yet again

why cant they leave me alone?

my ipod blares "one man guy" and i ask myself "will that ever be me?" i only hope for something that will make me feel complete

i start my walk home. i cant help but feel ashamed for feeling like this. how sick. society has become so established on labels that the one time i feel emo i am ashamed because i'm experiencing actual emotions deeper then slap-happiness.

i walk over the creek.

i am about to turn down my road but i stop.

i reach into my bag and grab the journal he made me. i cant deal with seeing him or seeing anything he gave me it hurts me too much to have reminders of the fact i broke his heart... twice

i rip out my poem and tattoo sketchs

the book hit the water and for a while all i can see are teh ripples it creates. i stand there as i watch it glide upstream with a sense of ease and beauty. it doesnt know the pain it causes; it just is.

i am done with it

i am done with him

i turn down my street and see the lights of our not so enviromently friendly suv truck down the road. he gets there before me and waits for me.

you're scaring us

i'm fine... no... i'll be fine

what's going on?

i'm dealing witha break up i dont want to --it doesnt help that you treat me better when i'm not with him--

we're worried

dont't be

the conversation maintains this feeling until my parents are exhasuted and go to bed. i retreat to my alcove of plastic and metal parts.

i get all poetic and mushy when i go through shit like this... i fear it comes off like i'm trying to make it sound like this... i'm not

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you're mysterious... and i want to know more about you. you intrigue me.
i dont know you at all but i hope to get to find out what brought you here
why you are the way you are and try to explain to myself
why i cant get a complete stranger off my mind


i'm exhausted and have to be at work in 10 hours...


i need to finish my shirts.