The Lead Shovel

I fell dirty
the feel torn apart
the first was love
but only pretense sprouted

the second was casual
which i thought i would
Never
Be
A
Part
Of
.
.
.


I dig my
own Grave
and the
Lead Shovel
gets heavier
with each
ounce of dirt
with each Body
i Dig up.

i'm Becoming who I
never thought i would
Hypocrisy courses through
my body
and the Taste and Stench
of Vomit is
remaining on my tongue

i feel used.
i want Love
but i won't
Let It In.

beads of Sweat
trickle down my
Guilty Face.

So Lock me up
i'll take my
Punishment.

just Take this
Lead Shovel
and hold me
to My promise.

--------------------------

NO more dirt,
NO more bodies,

...love...

let Love surround me
on it's
Crimson Velvet Wings...

ode to johnny

"ohhhh johnny depp! why do you have to be so hott... even when you're eating people'se faces... oh oh oh johnny depp..""johnny depp is teh hottest alien i've ever seen"just a few quotes from miranda and i's evening

you make me nervous nervous

the past couple days have been a blur---they have been amazing.

i have been hanging out repeatedly with hot photo matt and HPM is nothing short of amazing
i may not have known him to longest and i may not know everything about him


---but what i do know i like. i like a lot---


you know when you find something different... something you've never really come into
contact with before? and you can't help but want to know everything about it?

that's what i feel---that's what i want


i've gotten drunk twice in two days---i've never done that before and it was nothign short of fantastic---

i spent my entire night in HPM's arms---i couldnt have pictured a better person/face/body to wake up to---

i'm completely infatuated---


you do make me nervous-nervous--- i dont know if i trust myself with you---


---i like it---

le disko

soooooooo... after much stumbling through myspaces and friends of friends of friends of friends profiles i found an amazing band. shiny toy guns.

i <3 them! and the song one song is called le disko... the whole le in front of that...

-swoon-

i have gotten in the habit of saying le before anything before i even heard this song so it makes me happy! :-D

le giddy! teehee

there is an overweight lady on tv wearing far far far too tight of pants and a polo shirt... FOR SHAME!

i was called a shallow bitch the other day... then i thought about it... and really... i am

emily and tyler tried to call me selfish... HA i just kinda laughed it off cause umm... who are they to call me selfish?

lyris had seen emily in a week and wanted to hang out last night and ty was pissed cause she ruined his plans but still ended up hanging out with her all day liek he had the day before and the day before that and oh yea the entire month before that! and lyris didnt even get to see em

he confuses me... he doesnt realize that he's in a lot of this stuff... for tyler... bleh

mmm scissor sister make me happy...

CAUSE YOU'RE FILTHY! FILLTHYYY ANNNND GORGEOUS! GOOOORGEOUS!


le happy to the max


P.S. i'm going to water world today... and excitement courses through my viens... i just wish a certain person would go... LE GLARE! hehe

children of the sun...

i havent felt this way in years... i didnt know what is was... i really did i was distraught and confused... but when i stepped back and really looked at everything i realised this pit of anguish is the glorious tunnel of depression!!! oh how i missed it

i broke his heart

i've never done that before-- i'm always the one get stepped on, used and throw up like christina ricci's last meal. but that wasnt the case i couldnt let in the one kid that loved me completley and utterly. i fucked up the only thing i wanted. but you can't force love--

right?

my occasional habbit of smoking has progressed to a daily habit.. bleh but i dont want to stop. i like the way i look when i do it.. i like the way i feel

my parents are worried and wonder what is wrong. maybe the fact that my mom's password to the interent is "prayformatty3" that always a comfort.

i went for a walk today it was so needed i loved it. my parents were nervous.
i found the spot i went on my search for. i layed on the cement divide between water and land. the stars looked so beautiful and orignal. it was like it was the first time i saw them like that.. partially cause it was

i looked over to my house and see the bright orange cherry of my dad's cigar bounce along to road as he searchs for me. i liked being able to see him but not doing a thing about it.

i finish the last drag of my 3rd cigarette in less then an hour and watch the red hot addiction hit the water and be carried away with the force the man-made waterfall carries.

my dad walks up teh drive way and gets into the car the search for me yet again

why cant they leave me alone?

my ipod blares "one man guy" and i ask myself "will that ever be me?" i only hope for something that will make me feel complete

i start my walk home. i cant help but feel ashamed for feeling like this. how sick. society has become so established on labels that the one time i feel emo i am ashamed because i'm experiencing actual emotions deeper then slap-happiness.

i walk over the creek.

i am about to turn down my road but i stop.

i reach into my bag and grab the journal he made me. i cant deal with seeing him or seeing anything he gave me it hurts me too much to have reminders of the fact i broke his heart... twice

i rip out my poem and tattoo sketchs

the book hit the water and for a while all i can see are teh ripples it creates. i stand there as i watch it glide upstream with a sense of ease and beauty. it doesnt know the pain it causes; it just is.

i am done with it

i am done with him

i turn down my street and see the lights of our not so enviromently friendly suv truck down the road. he gets there before me and waits for me.

you're scaring us

i'm fine... no... i'll be fine

what's going on?

i'm dealing witha break up i dont want to --it doesnt help that you treat me better when i'm not with him--

we're worried

dont't be

the conversation maintains this feeling until my parents are exhasuted and go to bed. i retreat to my alcove of plastic and metal parts.

i get all poetic and mushy when i go through shit like this... i fear it comes off like i'm trying to make it sound like this... i'm not

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you're mysterious... and i want to know more about you. you intrigue me.
i dont know you at all but i hope to get to find out what brought you here
why you are the way you are and try to explain to myself
why i cant get a complete stranger off my mind


i'm exhausted and have to be at work in 10 hours...


i need to finish my shirts.

i get soo damn confused! why cant i let him love me? why cant i let my self love him? i should have to try this hard to like him! fuck... i am a horrible person for what i have to do to him... i am i dont think it;s right.. i feel horrible for doing it.. i do... he dont deserve it.. but it's not fair to be with him when i am second guessing our entire relationship... i dont get me... to repeat from my last post... why can i just be happy?!

i bought christina's stripped cd today... thats when you know i'm in a depressed mood... she is blaring from my speakers... she is amazing and i heart her...

bleh..

old friend

wow it has been a long while!

kent and i are back together... i am so happy about that! i love the kid i really do... i just get nervous.

rigth when i get it and am happy why am i suddely second guessing myself? the issues i have make life unbareable! i went through life without him and i dont like it. i hate it... but part of me longs for the freedom... but i mean i have it with him i just want to be with him... the move to greeley will be good... for all parties involved

i got my room assignment! i am in wiebking and i have a roommate from texas and his name is chris! oh how i am nervous

i foudn a woman's plus size sweater at ares yesterday... ilove it... i like the look of being in the 90s again hehe it is big and i love the feeling of the excess cloth mounting around my sides

rent it playing on my tv. i miss musical theatre... i wish i did more.

my dad found my pictures of kent today. you know what he told me? "you need to put those in your bag or soemthing... this is still our house." the pictures are in MY room onmy dresser not even liek proped up... wtf!?

why cant i just be happy? some explain... GO